And Then We Saw Blood in the Shower and I knew

so, clearly, there are bigger con’s than pro’s and this isn’t actually meant to be a list to help me balance out my loss or anything. but this is how i’ve been thinking about it, and wanted to share. everyone out there knows (i think) the wacky medical week i had where I came closer to death than I care to acknowledge. and toward the middle of the ordeal, we lost the baby. only 11 weeks along, and i was carefully referring to it as “the fetus” or “the tissue” during my pregnancy, knowing that it takes very little at that early stage to make it just slip away…but somehow between chance and misfortune and fevers of 106 and whatever nasty bug i had, the little guy/gal/thing couldn’t survive it and did, in fact, just sort of disappear. and on this rainy day today over a week after “it” happened, i’m starting to acknowledge the disappointment and absence of something i’d been looking forward to. so here’s my list- it’s not all bad. but it’s not good, either.

-Con’s:

1. Big let down. Lasted through some 6 wks of feeling like ass and then nothing to show for it.

2. Don’t think I can ever watch “A Baby Story” on TLC again

3. Family and friends all bummed out.

4. Hate leaving voice mail at my OB/GYN’s office since the message says “If in labor, call…”and I won’t be.

5. Was really looking forward to a winter without seasonal depression since I had a March due date around the corner. Now, not so much. Have to find other excitement to keep my mind busy.

6. Doesn’t change fact that friends are all pregnant or with first babies and I’m still not. Especially not.

7. I got my boobs back.

-Pro’s:

1. Vino!

2. Coffee!

3. No nausea or vomiting!

4. Robb bought me awesome new sapphire in white gold earring studs that are gorgeous!

5. All those things I was worried about once kids came, I can do now. Horse back riding, theater, travel, etc.

6. No one will be looking at my belly anymore, so I can put it back under wraps.

7. I got my boobs back.

8. As my mother-in-law pointed out, now I know that I can get pregnant, which is a relief.

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