We Was a “We” and Now I’m an “I”

yesterday was a hard day. i went back to work for the first time since my hospitalization. it wasn’t a hard day physically- i actually held up really well through a few small cases. but it was a really hard day, emotionally. i realized on my way to work that those 20 minutes alone in the car were my first alone since this all happened. my family and friends have been really sneaky about providing 24-hr ‘sarah coverage’ that i didn’t realize was there until it was gone. so i arrived at work already a little sad, and then the first coworker i ran into revealed that she’s 10 1/2 weeks pregnant and is just starting to tell people. and then i walked into the locker room where 3 more coworkers with their big, round, happy pregnant bellies were all sitting there and WHOOSH. it just sort of hit me.

but i made it through the day alright.

and then after work i went to my Gyn’s office (i intentionally have started referring him to my “gyn” again instead of “ob”) and i went alone. and it sort of killed me that on my previous visit i was there with robb and we were happy and excited and checking to make sure i was still full of life…but on this visit, i was alone and checking to make sure i was completely empty. evacuated. sufficiently hollow. and then it took them 4 tries to get blood, which hurt and was hard on me because they were commenting on my bruised and battered arms and “all this poor woman has been through” and i just don’t want to see myself as a sickly, pitiful patient, ya know? so through sobs (mine, not his), my MD answered all my questions about when/if to try getting pregnant again, if i’ll need high risk maternal fetal medicine to follow during my next pregnancy (no), and what to expect as my body changes with the hormone levels dropping, etc.

and when i got home, i just fell apart. i sobbed on robb for an hour. i felt the loss so acutely for the first time. coupled with my awareness of just how sick i was, how scary the situation was. it’s been a lot to handle.

robb’s been amazing. picking up all the slack around here, always saying and doing the right thing. being quiet when i need that, offering advice and support when i need that. doing all my bidding when i just can’t make myself get off the couch. even watching stupid movies with me just to be with me doing normal activities. he grieved his own grief for the little snowpea while i was in the hospital, so now he’s available to me to be sturdy and strong while i need him. (he actually has revealed to me that on the night that i first miscarried- thank GOD by some divine providence he was with me at the time- he stayed up all night sobbing…but i guess i must have slept, because i had no memory of it. but i hate that he was alone for that). i’m just so extremely grateful for him. and blessed to have him. i wonder if he’ll ever understand just how much.

so today was a little better. my cases were fun and i have great coworkers who allow me to talk about all this stuff until i’m blue in the face. i cried in the cafeteria over breakfast a little, but no one seemed to mind.

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