I’m Getting Cynical and Afraid of the Dark

so last Thursday was the first time i didn’t have to work and was able to make it to the “infertility and miscarriage” support group some women recently started through our church. i’ve been nervous about going, since i wasn’t sure if i’d even fit in with my piddly 1 year of trying and 1 freak miscarriage. and i’m only 29 years old. but they were very welcoming and, although everyone’s story is very different, there’s a common language that we can speak to each other that no one else can really understand. and these women are so strong and open and honest and ready to share all the details of their losses and frustrations with their efforts. it’s nice not to have to hide behind a brave face and to be able to say what you actually feel instead of echoing all the idiots who say “i’m sure it’ll happen in time” and “God has the perfect plan for you, when He’s ready, etc, etc.”

but i found that i’m growing dark and cynical about everything. all of us have these painful, awful, so maddening stories of hope interrupted and then also tales of our sisters and cousins and friends who didn’t even want a baby or weren’t even trying and gee whiz! they have 3 now! i don’t want to be one of those girls who resents the happiness of others, but i am. and i do.

and, as predicted, my loss and my futile efforts to date are nothing compared to some other women. trying for so many years, through mutliple miscarriages, through multiple fostering or adoption attempts sometimes with positive endings, but often with a whole other kind of fear and frustration to follow…and i found that by the time i got home after the meeting, i was feeling angry not only for my own issues, but for all the shit all these women have had to endure, too. it just makes me mad. and makes me wonder where God is in all of this. i’m sure there’s a hella huge lesson to be learned in patience and faith and re-aligning our expectations with what God wants for us, but that is just infuriating right now. a lot of us are begging for big signs from God and now. like “just let me know if this is not meant to be for me or if i should keep painfully pushing forward. how will i ever know?”

i know for me, most of my anger comes from feeling out of control. in my life, if ever i want something badly enough, i find a way to get it. i will work harder, i will save up, i will get creative, but rest assured, i will get it in the end. but this “it” cannot be gotten through hard work or ingenuity. this is just something you have to wait and see if it is meant to be. and that is making me very grouchy.

so. i guess at this stage, my prayer is for patience. (sigh). for open ears and for enough self control not to punch 22 year old pregnant girls who are complaining about losing their figures.

and i’m going to do my darnedest not to assume the worst and anticipate future miscarriages and infertility. it’s really hard not to do when you’re surrounded by it (not just this group- almost every female i know has struggled with one or both, plus all the bad scenarios i’ve seen while on the job), but i think for my sanity (and reproductive health, frankly) i have to attempt to stay positive and hopeful. even if it makes me a sucker. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *