Maybe Empty but Not Alone

some of us who pine to be in the mommy club are lucky enough to find others who are in our same situations and we kind of form a club of our own. it’s sort of a sad bastard club at times, but also often a hopeful one and, from my experience so far, a very nurturing and loving one. i have a wonderful friend and coworker, Julie, who has been so supportive in my struggles with difficulty conceiving and then also through my miscarriage. now she’s a great mom of a total knock-out gorgeous and clever 3 year old daughter….but her road to the mommy club was a tricky one, and she graciously shared her journal with me from that time she was trying to conceive and allowed me to pass it on to you. i found that some of the things she said were almost verbatim things i have thought/said/screamed. she talks a lot about karma and negotiating with God and the other cosmos for a baby. it’s good to know i’m not the only one who has thought, “well if i just (whatever) it’s sure to happen.” she’s very insightful and brutally honest.

here are some excerpts:

June 16, 2005…I’m starting this journal because it sounds like I need to…I can’t believe it has been nearly a year since we started trying..I guess I’m trying to cope with my pain by making blankets for all these pg girls I know and for church. And by buying baby items to give away…I even have a stash under the queen bed with baby things I’ve collected that no one knows about…like baby picture frames I was going to present to the future grandmas on Mother’s Day. Well, that passed by…the days and weeks just blend into months.

June 18, 2005…I so diligently monitor all of my signs and constantly think through what they could mean; am I ovulating, etc…for some strange reason I’m hopeful this cycle. I try not to be hopeful because I tell myself the disappointment is worse when I have hope.

June 24, 2005…So I did a bad, unlucky thing. I bought that book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” because it was only $7.00 at TJ Maxx. I told myself that luck has nothing to do with it, but how pretentious of me! I will take it back on Monday. I’m sure that I will be so excited if I ever get pregnant that I won’t mind paying retail. 🙂

June 27, 2005…My temperature is starting to fall and so is my mood. Yesterday I thought I had breast tenderness- probably from checking to see if they were tender. I’m not sure how much else I can take. This afternoon I returned “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” I hope this brings me luck.

July 29…I’m disappointed. Again. This process gets longer and longer.

that was her last entry. and she revealed to me that she was actually pregnant when she wrote it. she has a wonderful success story, but is still able to reflect on the agony and frustration of infertility and able to pass on compassion to me and others who share those struggles. and i really appreciate it.

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