“The Disappointment is Worse When I Have Hope”

one of my dear ones recently learned that the fertility method they have been trying has not and will not work. now she and her own personal BHE (best husband ever) are having to make difficult decisions about further fertility options, adoption, etc. all options include great physical, emotional, and financial expense.

so, hell.

this one was supposed to work. and why has it not? because the world is a dark, dark place and everything sucks and we might as well eat some worms (because we CAN, because even if worms are not allowed during pregnancy, it doesn’t matter because we’re NOT PREGNANT and everything sucks and….)..


this poor lovely. i’m so pissed on her behalf. every month for the last many months she’s been poked and prodded and violated and then anxiously waited to (NOT) have her period as well as waited for a blood tests to show whether this difficult, uncomfortable and inconvenient process yielded success.

and now it officially hasn’t.

and it just causes these great waves of anger and sadness. and despair.

and we all seem to agree on our dark days that when you feel optimistic about the success of a certain method or a particular month, the pain of the (almost certain! cuz everything sucks!) disappointment when it doesn’t work out is all the more devastating.

so forget it. forget hope and all its hurt. cynicism and pessimism are the ways to go.

where does God fall into all of this? if we give up trying to hope and manipulate and control things, are we surrendering to Him and it’s actually a good thing? or are we losing faith when we say we have no hope? and, in our superstitious/cracked out way of looking at things, are we determining our own barren fate if we submit to hopelessness? ???????????

this requires research and prayer, but for now, i think i’ll just pout. kind of a debbie downer today. and it’s raining. and i’m in stinkin’ stupid michigan instead of lovely florida. and i want to physically punch the thing that hurt my friend. but i can’t, so i put it in writing and i punched it in the head emotionally, instead.

i hope it felt it.

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