so, robb and i went down to new orleans last weekend. i went down a few days early to attend a PA conference. this was the day after another fruitful therapy session where i was told that i have to let go of loss and look forward to life. so i wrote this letter to God on the plane on my laptop and wept (hopefully quietly, the plane was packed)…
You know my heart and my crazy, anxious mind. You know that I am struggling with fear over whether or not I will ever become a mom. Am I meant to get pregnant ever? And if I do, will it be successful? Was there anything I did wrong with the last one? Was that my baby? My only shot? What will pregnancy be like if I am able to have it? Do you want me to have it? Will I survive birth? What if the baby doesn’t make it to birth or doesn’t make it long after birth? There’s so many chapters on death in my catalogues of fears, aren’t there? And I’m trying to convince myself that my biggest issue right now is getting pregnant in the first place and that if I was truly paralyzed by fear of losing the baby in one way or the other, I wouldn’t be trying to get pregnant? Doesn’t that make sense? Will I be especially grateful and excited for my pregnancy when it finally comes or will I be a ball of nerves? I know I have the tendency to be a bit anxious/neurotic/Mrs. Crazy pants, but it’s well-founded, right? Or maybe that doesn’t matter. Maybe inner peace is required for this even if it seems illogical. Faith is illogical. But maybe I need to have faith that You have me in your big hands and you’ll keep the pieces of me together. Even trying to make statements like that to you, I want to add caveats like “in time” or “if it’s your will” or “if/when You decide it’s the right thing.” I guess I’m afraid of demanding or expecting or faithfully waiting for something from you because I don’t want to test you, I don’t want to be disappointed by you. I also don’t want to assume that You want this for me. “For my own good” You might have plans for me to be childless. Or, the other large open option is adoption. Is that what you want for me? Take one of your already-angels? One with Down’s, perhaps? Please tell me what You want. You know that I am kind of slow. I love you. I do know that you’re holding me. And, please correct me if I’m putting Words in your Mouth, but I feel like I’ve heard from You that You want me to get pregnant and have my own birth child. And I would thank You a lot for that opportunity and honor. But if I’m not listening well and that is not what you want, please make apparent what it is that you’ll have from me. Because as of right now I am willing. Whatever you need me to do or be, I can and will. I will mother anyone you need me to, even if that just means loving on the people I know and giving them Your love. But I do ask that You give me some guidance. I’m listening. I’m trying. I am so thankful for the man who loves me so much…who trusts and knows me as I trust him and know him. What a blessing. And our amazing, miraculous families. Such an example of You. And THANK YOU for giving me the gifts of education and knowledge so that I might help my family when they need medical help. And thank You for the opportunity to be a patient. To see what it’s like on the other side of things. Please help me to enhance my compassion and abilities so that I might serve better. Thank You for the pregnancy that I did have. I focus so much on its loss, on the disappointment, the let-down when the potential was not completed. But thank You for letting life live in me even for a short while. Please hold and bless that soul for me. My snow pea is in good hands with You. Maybe Kirsten knows her. They can be bald together.
and then later i cried over a news story about guide dogs. and then later i cried over a bagel. and then i noticed that my breasticles were pretty sore for just any-ol’ PMS and that my temp was staying up where it was supposed to be for good things to be happening…and that, although i felt kind of sick to my stomach, i was also famished all the time…by saturday i was pretty convinced that i was pregnant. confident. sure. i just felt different. i didn’t rush out for a pg test (as is my usual reaction to any abnormalities in my cycle- see below, or below, or below that). i was so sure that God was there with me and this was real and happening…but when we got home Sunday night, need-to-know for work safety stuff and desire-to-verify won and i took a test. and it was positive. i started sobbing and robb and i cuddled for a long time, holding each other and crying. i am so happy. and blessed. grateful, ecstatic.
and calm. it’s strange, but i only took just the one test. and i’ve stopped taking my temp to make sure it stays up. and i’m not keeping this quiet like a responsible-minded person might, i’m blabbing it to everyone. i feel so sure. so solid. this is my little person growing in me. and i want to meet them. (i’m using “them” like kids with bad grammar do because i hate having to use him/her…and also because there’s, like, a 10% chance this will be multiples!). i’m so thrilled and content and relieved. bring ’em on. i’ll have a litter. i don’t care. then i could have my own reality show.
so, yea. i’ll keep you posted. but right now i’m floating on a cloud.
thank you, God.