Surviving.. Strong…but Still Kinda Pissed Off

i can’t decide which hates me more, my body or my God.
this feeling of emptiness
of bleeding someone else’s blood
someone i was supposed to take care of
to provide a sanctuary
but instead
oh no
but instead
death and not life
seems like death is always my answer
in a time of year when everything grows and thrives
hard not to compare my barren self and lifelessness

and yet these dark thoughts are always followed closely by…
where is my gratitude?
this life, so charmed and charming
what right have i to complain?
so much good i’ve stumbled on
there is reason for gladness
and so i balance between
hearts and thorns,
vinegar and sugar.
i try my best.
i really am.

and all my people have been wonderful- between care package extraordinaire from my angel friends M & J, to lots of wine and flowers from my girls, to cookie bouquet and chocolate and hugs from my like-family coworkers, and wonderfully insightful and loving card from my in-laws….people have been amazing.

i feel like i’m drawing from the sympathy well a little too often this year, since it was just last august that flowers and hugs and food and love were pouring in when i was sick/miscarrying then.

but i swear i’ll share my wine and sweets if you come to visit. but you’d better come soon. 🙂

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