the theme this last week has been self-destruction. self-loathing. and i give you one guess as to who is winning the blame game right now. correct. me.
although my laser-like focus of hate and blame aimed at myself sometimes bounces off and hits the people closest to me…usually robb. poor guy. this weekend alone he’s gotten everything from screaming to stony silence to lots and lots of tears. i make radical pronouncements all the time like, “you’d be better off finding another wife who can successfully have children with you. i wouldn’t hold it against you” ( i totally would) to “i don’t even want children anymore. let’s just get fixed so we can stop worrying about all this.” (i totally do).
i thought i had this internal war thing thing solved by working all the time. i worked 90 hrs of call last pay period and kept myself in this ragged, exhausted, survival-only status where i couldn’t focus too much on anything. it didn’t work very effectively. i just ended up crabby and mean and didn’t make nearly as much $$ as i would have liked. and as soon as i’d slept off the fatigue, it all came back to me.
and i’ve been drinking a lot (when not on call). and this is part to blame for my increasing waist line. you’d think once the pregnancy hormones and cravings had died, my weight would come back down. or at least i’d be disciplined enough to stop eating garbage. but not so much. i think i’ve been finding comfort in food. and certainly booze. but none of my clothes are fitting and this is getting ridiculous. so i’m putting myself on a fruit juice/veg broth fast for at least 3 days. maybe more. and strictly no alcohol. clearly booze is not helping. after all, it is a depressant. part of this extreme diet restriction is again, punishment. sticking with the theme. trying to hurt myself for all the hurt i’ve caused me. (does that make any sense?). but part of it is wanting to get control over my body and do something loving and healthy for it. we’ve fasted often in the past for health/spiritual reasons, and we always do it very cautiously.
i would like to be exercising more, too. i tried to run this morning but am having such breast tenderness, i couldn’t handle it and just walked briskly for a few miles. so, as with all things with trying to get/stay pregnant, this is a mystery. why, 3 wks after a miscarriage when i presumably bled out all the tissue that would be spiking my hormones, am i suddenly having breast soreness again? could it be phantom pain? going along with the dream i had AGAIN about breast feeding 2 nights ago? is it in my head? or am i PMS’ing? or do i still have retained tissue and need to address that? f**k if i know.
and i went to a reproductive genetic counselor this morning. it is possibly, since i have a sister with Down Syndrome, that i’m carrying a mutating gene and that is why i have been and might continue to miscarry. we’re looking into that now…not because i want to avoid having a child with Down’s, but because some 50% of those fetuses never make it to birth, and i DO want to avoid having further miscarriages. if i’m negative and robb’s negative for chromosomal abnormalities, then maybe we look at autoimmune or other reasons why i’m not hearty enough to complete a pregnancy. or, we just try again in the future and hope for the best, taking precautions to attempt to maintain the pregnancy.
the “future” is an undetermined time for me right now. i have zero desire to be pregnant now, or in the foreseeable future. so we’re sitting on it for now. this fall, we’ll re-assess and decide if i we are prepared to give it another go or if i will take some more time off. meanwhile, we are considering adoption. that is becoming more and more appealing to me. but i’m clearly in no mental state to pursue anything right now.
so, all that being said… i want this blog to be a transparent look into my psyche and process. so i know i’m a total downer and i’m so sorry if i’m hurting instead of helping anyone out there. but these are my thoughts and feelings to date. this is what i’m dealing with.
they say time heals all wounds. and i know that’s true. maybe in 6 months i will be 100% recovered from this trauma. all my anger will be gone, i will be good with God, and i can reflect back on it like a struggle i survived. but meanwhile, i have to live out each day of that “time.” each minute. each hour. each visit with pregnant friends where all they talk about is the trials of pregnancy. live through each of my own due dates and would-be mile stones. the awareness that i should have a 3 month old right now. or at the very least, be celebrating getting out of my 1st trimester of pregnancy on attempt #2.
hurry up, time. get on with it.