so last week when i was having a break down, robb told me something like, “you have to be stronger because there’s no other choice.” i think at the time i was lamenting how hard this has all been and how i just want to give up and how being optimistic for future pregnancy and children just seems like a cruel joke at times….generally feeling sorry for myself and very put upon. so when he said that, it kind of pulled me up short. but he’s right. basically as tough as i think i’ve been, there is yet more required of me before we are done and have met our child.
but actually, i found some clarity and focus in that conversation and have felt like i’m moving forward purposefully and hopefully since then.
but i keep snagging on something. i get so jealous of pregnant people and new moms and such. this is a common theme among the infertile/miscarriage group. how do you stay joyful and loving toward your friends who are successfully reproducing? almost every single one of my coworkers is currently trying to get pregnant and it is a big struggle for me when they are successful. especially if they’ve only been trying for a hot minute. i’m trying to just be thankful and hopeful that they won’t have to experience what i have, but i can’t help but think…why have i had to experience what i have? what did i do wrong?
and i now know 3 women who will have 2 children in the time i’ve been trying to have my first. i’m sorry, i know i should be more gracious, but that kind of just makes me want to punch a wall.