Bummer Remix

so here i am again in the time between ovulation and a period/pregnancy. according to one of the charting systems i’m using, taking a pregnancy test at this many days out from ovulation will only result in a positive in 14.9% of pregnancies, so reason tells me i should wait. but i don’t and it’s negative and then i’m moping around all day. because it’s pretty clear to me this means that this month is another wash.

“it could happen this month, but it won’t because good things do not happen to me.” this is what is being chanted through my head against my will. and other thoughts that i would vanquish if i had better self control…”well, if i have a positive pregnancy test now, i can at least stop trying for a few months before i have another miscarriage. so that will be kind of nice to have a break.”

hell. i feel like the bitterangryscared is winning right now. and this is all such a mind game. i’m taking progesterone in addition to that which my body is producing naturally, so i’m having many of the symptoms of pregnancy…and even though i know it is just the drug, i can’t help, like an idiot, to hold out a little hope that maybe it’s ‘something more.’

grrrr….moodiness is part of those symptoms i’m experiencing. can you tell? 🙂

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