so robb acts like a sedative to me and usually talks me off my peaks and valleys of hopelessness and self-loathing. it’s kind of his thing. always has been. but this week we were apart and i worked insane, stressful hours all while hormonally plunging deep into the blues. what was left by this weekend was a withered little anger ball who fell asleep and woke up crying. i went to a fun lake-side gathering of good friends last night and could only stay for a short time before i couldn’t force a smile anymore and had to leave to go brood alone again. meh.
i realize that this has gone too far for too long. i think i’m in a genuine depression. i have to find something else to focus on besides failing at having children. there has to be more to define me, because i am tired of this person i’ve become. i need an out. a break.
and all this negativity is killing me- assuming i won’t, i can’t, and then that there will be death. it’s not healthy. and i have guilt about being an ingrate. i have everything in the world- i am not starving, i am well provided for, i am healthy, i have a great marriage, my family is good and strong and healthy, i even have a fulfilling job and great friends. that’s SO MUCH MORE than most people can list. and yet i’m caught on this one thing i can’t seem to get. like veruca salt, i want what i want and NOW.
and robb alone can’t save me from myself. i’m going to go back to the therapist. to face down some demons of my past that are lingering…before we quit going, the doc identified that he didn’t think i’d ever truly grieved for my sister’s death 16 yrs ago and that, consequently, i assume everyone close to me will leave or die. this year has conveniently enhanced that belief for me. but i shouldn’t find that satisfying, i should find that devastating.
so i’m going to take my broken self and go try to be fixed. this is probably something i should do now, in case i ever do have another positive pregnancy test and have to try to stay optimistic through a pregnancy.
ouch. this all hurts. and opening these wounds…maybe it will release some of the pressure, or maybe it will hurt even more. yay.