this would have been an even worse day without the therapy i sustained last night. 🙂
it’s SO good to talk about yourself for an hour and not to have to worry about anyone else’s concerns. it’s not being fat headed, but rather productively sharing. to hear from an expert that i’m not crazy at all, i’m just getting through grief and shock and disappointment. i will keep right on paying him to reassure me of my own sanity and strength.
he kept telling me i was still grieving and to let myself do that. instead of being fixated on the future and successful pregnancies and such, allow the bad days to be bad and the tears to come. and he told me i have a choice of how to approach the potential for bebes…either i can go forth negatively, cynically, and with fear (status quo) or i can take one day at a time and assume that at the conclusion of some number of these days we will meet our child….either way, the outcome will most probably be the same. we will achieve this goal and meet our kid. it’s whether i lose myself in the process or rally and carry on.
so today i was late-ish on my period and the signs were all over the map, it seemed to me like i must either be pregnant or more broken than i knew. i took yet another negative pg test. and then i started my (better late than never, i always say) period.
and then i promptly learned of another coworker’s pregnancy after only 2 months of trying…
so far, i haven’t gotten too buried or desperate. i am trying to keep my head up and keep keeping on. and i’m trying to remember that this isn’t a competition. and life may not necessarily feel fair, but that’s not an equation i want to try to solve.
i suspect i’d end up on top anyway.
and i recognize in my more charitable moments that sometimes there’s more value in not getting what you want, or in having to wait for it.
for (rather morbid) example, i would never have chosen to let my sister die, if given the chance. i would have done anything to prevent it. and it felt very unjust that i had to suffer the loss of my best little friend. but i’ve never regretted the person i became after being faced with her death. the perspective and wisdom and character that i couldn’t have developed any other way.
now that’s about as much maturity and grace as i can muster right now. i will probably casually mention to these coworkers tomorrow at work that i had sushi and wine tonight and boy, was it good.