Same Ol’, Same Ol’

fighting through a lot of anger this week. having trouble being loving and gracious to the prego coworkers who can talk of nothing else.

and i can’t help but look at them with fear and pity as they’re sharing their joyous news with everyone in the building and are only 5 wks along. today when one was complaining about already feeling fat, i said that when i thought i was 8 wks, but the baby had actually died at 5, i had in fact gained weight, also. that was just mean and dumb to say, since she is at 5 wks now. she doesn’t need the reminder to be worried about her pregnancy. i’m sure she’s managing worry all on her own without my gory tales.

but it just came out because i am seething inside all the time and biting my lip to keep from shouting.

Lord, give me strength to indulge in these conversations and go to their baby showers and moon over their baby pictures of babies born around the time i was supposed to have mine. Lord, let me not feel left out or be bitter toward these women who are getting blessings that i want. thank You for these blessings for them. thank You for not making them suffer loss or challenges. please keep reminding me that You have a plan for me and maybe my children and that this is not a competition. i am not failing. i have not failed. i really need you to remind me of that one. please.

i am just so tired of this hurt and frustration. therapy tonight didn’t ease my mind, it just made me more anxious. i’m guess sometimes tearing off the scab hurts more than it heals.

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