boy, have i been struggling to keep my faith lately. despite over 15 weeks of a healthy, lovely pregnancy, i am so terrified of the other shoe dropping on my head, that i can’t seem to put together thanks or relief or peace in this pregnancy. it feels like the further i go along, the harder i will fall, the more it will hurt when the inevitable hurt does come.
do you see what i mean? no faith. i’m trying to be all stoic and when faced with all the possible outcomes of this pregnancy, i keep saying, “it is what it is.” but that’s not really helping anything. my therapist would not endorse that forced/fake apathy.
and then on friday i got this Christmas card from my good friend Kristen who has had a pretty trying, painful year her ownself. she is just so joyful about my pregnancy. so relieved. she says that this has renewed her faith in prayer! that maybe something wonderful will come of this awful year.
i sat down on my dining room floor and sobbed after i read that.
i am so glad she’s been praying and has found some redemption in this because i still feel so lost from God.
i have been so bogged down in fear and doubt and still this anger at God at what i can’t help but be convinced He has taken from me and might be preparing to take yet again. it’s like this ball of awful in my throat that i just can’t choke down to get words of thanks out. i should be down on my knees thanking God for this opportunity of another pregnancy, a chance at new life. but instead i feel like i have my jaw clenched waiting for the blow.
i have felt almost afraid to pray for the baby’s well being because prayers didn’t get me anywhere last time and i don’t want to be disappointed in God or more angry than i already am if things don’t work out. like i want a guarantee before i’ll be grateful. i don’t want to be sucker punched again.
but it doesn’t work like that. and God isn’t out to get me. and He hasn’t been doing this to me. i know this to be true. He hurts when i hurt. and He rejoices over me in gladness (Zephaniah 3:17). the beauty and the sweetness in kristen’s words brought me back to the blessing that this is.
and then, icing on self-revelation cake, i was reading an update from a friend on her husband’s recovery from 16 hrs of surgery to take a tumor out, following brutal chemo and radiation treatments. she is joyous in the small daily strides he is making. she is not assuming the worst, she is faithful and strong and with much hope.
and she posted this- Hebrews 11:1- Faith is the confidence that…what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.
that she can be so strong in faith right now despite the odds against her little family…
so here’s my new game plan. i will no longer wallow in fear. i will have faith and assume God is on my side and with me and hearing my (and everyone’s on my behalf) prayers. ok, break!
and, as robb has been telling me to do lately when i am whining, i will “sack up.” 🙂