THRILLS: have been feeling lots of movement lately. especially if i lie on my left side, and especially after i eat something sweet (which is often). i just made a batch of these Oatmeal Cookies with Cocoa Nibs and Cinnamon Roasted Almonds and after eating one of them (ok, five of them) i’m feeling cartwheels in the lower right quadrant of my belly. it’s cool. and really strange. but mostly cool. and finally on wednesday, robb got to feel movement, too. it was very sweet. his eyes got all big and he declared it “the damned coolest thing ever.” pretty much. 🙂
FREAKING OUT: last weekend a lovely friend from church who has a 3 and a 5 year old told me she was unloading her infant merchandise and gave me first crack at it. she is meticulous and very well organized, so everything was in beautiful condition. and it was great to have this person who i trust advising me on must haves/don’t bothers and the features that i’ll want in stuff (can you literally hose down this high chair? why yes you can! if your temper tantrum throwing wrecking ball of a 1 yr old comes barreling at this baby gate, will it hold up to the storm? yes it shall). so i felt like i was in good hands and made great purchases. BUT…upon loading my station wagon full of the booty i bought, and seeing the mountain of baby merch taking over my car, realizing that this is only 1/100 of what we’ll ultimately have- geez. the reality of the black hole of baby gear set in. my house is tiny. i have fears.
and also, now there is an upstairs full of baby gear just sitting there. prayerfully, to be put to use in 4 1/2 months. but what if something goes awry? then i have all this stuff just mocking me. ‘shouldn’t you have known better than to build a nursery and plan for a new tiny roommate? has your past taught you nothing?‘ it’s hard. it’s just hard. staying positive as best i can, but there are moments when i feel naive and sentimental like i’m putting my heart further and further out there to get smashed.
so that’s my freaking out for the week. i am grateful for the baby’s movement to remind me that there is life up in there. i am praying for peace of mind and consistent well being and good health for both the bebe and me around the bebe. i’m asking that you (continue to) do the same.