i’ve said a lot during this pregnancy that this will be my last. win or lose, this is it for me and knocked-up-ed-ness.
so we may as well experience all parts of it. i’m taking any additional tests that i’m offered/required to take with enthusiasm, so that i don’t miss any part of the total pregnancy experience (also, it gives me first hand knowledge to share with patients in the future).
i also scheduled us to tour the labor & delivery units at the hospital (even though i’ve been there from the white coat side of things) and to take a month of birthing classes. we’ll learn some stuff, i’m sure, and it might be fun/make for some good stories.
finally, after saying for months that no matter what the conclusion of this pregnancy brings, this is my last go of it…robb asked me if i meant it.
and i do. i feel incredibly blessed to have this chance at growing life, especially after what we went through to get to this point. this is the coolest thing ever. feeling movement inside me, knowing that it’s this tiny thriving, developing being dependent on me is really neat and endearing.
but it seems indulgent to ‘temp the fates’ and do it again. i don’t want to elect to potentially survive another miscarriage. i don’t want to have to take the drugs and count the pee and jump through the other fertility hoops.
the hassle and the risk seemed worth it this time to get to have the experience of pregnancy once and get to meet our first child through this route. but i do not want to go through that again. mentally, physically…too much. no more. this has been a rough couple of years, and i think i’m done with this part of myself.
it’s not just that trying to conceive again feels like pushing our luck, it’s also that bringing new life into the world at all has always seemed like a bit of an indulgence since there are so many kids out there who need homes.
so….hark! just because i don’t plan to get pregnant again does not mean that we won’t have more kids! we very much want to adopt some day. we even kind of sort of have a game plan for some time in the future. the cost is great and it certainly comes with its own potentials for heartbreak and frustration, but it can be an amazing thing. and i want to experience that someday, too.
so that’s what we’ve been talking/thinking about in our household lately. on top of all the minutia for this here current baby we’re working on and fixing up the house in preparation.
and, because i assume this will be my one and only full pregnancy, i’m enjoying the hell out of it. i come home every afternoon from work and curl up in bed in the position the baby is partial to and “spend some time with it” loving all the kicks and movements, singing to it, etc. it’s very wonderful.
**all that being said, do not think me naive, dear readers. i know that minds are changed and years pass, bringing healing and changes of heart. i know that life happens and we cannot predict the future. therefore, we are not planning on severing mine or robb’s tubes or removing my uterus or any other such permanent contraceptive changes. we also acknowledge that there’s a chance further children will never happen. we’re ok with that, too. 3 might be our magic number. time will tell.
so that is where we are today.