Do Not Want to Give Birth in a Manger

i slept something like 25 hrs over the course of this weekend. which was wonderful and mostly peaceful. but, as with the entirety of this pregnancy, i often have weird, vivid dreams.

the other night, it was a nightmare. i had my first labor-associated dream and it was that i suspected my water had broke, so i went to, not my hospital of choice, but to this other downtown hospital, nearer to where i was at the time. and it was sketchy. i told the triage nurse what had happened and she made me wait. then i waited longer. then i went up and told her that i was a PA, thinking that might hold some currency. so she reluctantly put me into an exam room…but it was more like a horse stall prison cell with a rusted out basin/urinal thing in the middle (to do what with, i’m not entirely sure).

i waited and waited. i evidently had no cell phone with which to call my MD or my husband or anyone…but somehow eventually robb joined me and my family caught wind and showed up all happy and geeked with these baskets attached to weather balloons or something dropping out of the sky. baskets filled with flowers and candies and, i don’t know, puppies or whatever. finally, after waiting some 9 hrs without anyone paying any attention to me, i concluded that i was not, in fact, in labor and that i should go home/follow up with my MD at my normal hospital. and i was so mad at myself for not being more proactive. and so skeezed out by the place and appalled that anyone would attempt to drop a baby (or foal, for that matter) in that environment.

weird, right? it bugged me all day.

and since then i’ve been plagued with the idea that i am close enough that i could actually start having occasional contractions, will soon be getting exams for changes in my cervix, etc, etc. this shit is real. that’s what i’m saying.

and then, of course, there’s always the nagging fear that bad things could still happen. i am still praying, hoping, begging, bargaining all the time that something someday makes it out of my womb alive. preferably this little wiggly bebe and around the first week of june.

so those are the dark thoughts swirling above my shoulders.

in happier news, we are having the main floor painted starting tomorrow and have moved all of the contents out of our former bedroom and former office in preparation to make the bedroom a nursery and the office our bedroom. (if you followed all that and are curious, now the office will be upstairs in the guest room). the house seems totally empty now and our dog is panicking, stalking us everywhere we go, i imagine thinking that we’re moving and considering leaving her here. poor/dumb thing. it has been very refreshing to go through everything and purge what we don’t need. and we’re doing little things around the house that we’ve been wanting to get to for years, so it’s been good.

and that baby up in thar has been doing cartwheels and headstands and all other manner of flips and flops the last few days. it’s totally fun and the moves are getting bigger, more noticeable. i’ve even seen some from the outside. so cool. 🙂


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