This Shit Stopped Being Fun at 6:09 am Tuesday Morning.

**caution- the following material is rather graphic and gross and is only intended for mature audiences.


so, before i fall into a vicodin-induced coma, complete with drooling and snoring and occasional twitching and grimacing, let me tell you about my butt misadventures this week.

all day monday i felt like i had something uncomfortable going on down below. like a wedgie that couldn’t be picked. i’ve also been dealing with a painful in-grown hair thing in my frontal lady bits, so i thought maybe this was more of the same, just nearer the backdoor. it was more irritating than anything.

then, tuesday morning when i was taking my shower, i reached down to clean my nether region and basically, discovered this. it was alarming. after a quick heart attack thinking i had birthed the baby’s ear or something, i concluded that it was most likely hemorrhoids. this was followed by another heart attack. (“hemorrhoids! seriously?! me? the vegetarian who is NEVER constipated? whose GI tract laughs at those prenatal iron-enhanced vitamins and continues on its merry productive way?”)

as tuesday progressed into wednesday and thursday (as they do), it got more and more painful and large. and painful. like seeing white light painful, sweating and shaky legs painful. despite using topical wipes and creams and all that. i started complaining about it to my coworkers yesterday and they all agreed that my roids were probably thrombosed (strangulated/clotted) and recommended i talk to one of our colorectal surgeons about lancing it (popping the blood clot).

so i called this sainted soul doctor, who is especially divine in my eyes because she is a she and she has had 3 of her own kids, so she gets all this especially and intuitively…and she tells me over the phone that it can’t be popped, but instead has to be carved out. she scheduled me for today in her office, slipping me in during office hours.

last night was rough. i cried a lot in pain and annoyance and fear of what having this already acutely painful, tense area cut into would mean. i mean, it can’t be that bad if she’s doing it in the office, right? RIGHT? little old people go through this all the time and live to tell about it (and tell about it, they certainly do).

so i worked this morning and then went in to see her mid-day. i cried in the shower before work, i cried in the bathroom at work, i cried/screamed/carried on on my way to her office when i got a little lost.

but then i was a very brave little soldier while she numbed it with a needle the size of my left arm and then cut the little bastard out. i don’t treasure the knowledge that one of my coworkers has now seen my holiest of holies, but i figure she is a colorectal surgeon, there ain’t no way she can pick my angry spider out of a lineup.

the relief was immediate with the lidocaine and lasted several hours. on my way home i was in a happy fog because the pain had stopped for the first time in days.

now, of course, the lidocaine has worn off and i’m sitting on an ice pack and waiting for the vicodin to carry me to candy mountain.

in the big picture, i have to say that if this is the worst road bump i hit during this pregnancy, i am doing just fine.

i also have to say that this kid better be pretty frickin’ cute. 🙂

part of me is whimpering knowing that i might have them come back. before or because of birth. so i could be looking forward to all of this again. sigh.


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