Our Bodies, Ourselves. My Body, My Word!

these are the notes i left myself earlier about what i wanted to include in this blog post. i was nursing an angry red-faced baby, so only had one hand. sort of. i guess this is what you call ‘my process.’ i will clarify and elaborate on the following:

-deep voice
-nipples in gummy vice-grip stretched 6 inches
-size 2 pants don’t fit
-worth it.
-24-hr hug
-swaddle mute time lapses

so usually little hank makes all kinds of squeaky noises, but occasionally air passes through his actual vocal cords and we hear his little voice. but it’s not so little. it’s kind of really husky and deep. my sister and i are reminded of the kid in this clip.

i continue to shrink in size, but my parts are still all kinds of unrecognizable. and if my body used to be a wonderland (go with me here), it is now wally world. full of fun house mirrors. and the rides don’t go up and down, they just seem to go down, down, down. 🙂

and nursing is going fairly well, but on the occasion that i think he is asleep at the teet or has drained ‘er dry and i try disengaging, his little gummy death grip pulls my nipple like taffy until it’s roughly 6 inches long. frightening.

i no longer fit in my maternity pants as they drag down like a diaper since there’s less bump to hold them up. so i’d love to go back to my old jeans with a waist, but i tried them on last night and i never realized how petite and pixie-like i was! downright waifish. 🙂 they must not be the size 10-12 i remember, but were actually a size 2 or -4 or something? right. needless to say, they will work in a pinch with a belly band. hard to believe i ever did or ever will fit in them.

but all these changes i would gladly double to have this precious little love with me. i feel happy and my heart feels full. that piece that was missing, that achy bruised feeling that was there all the time over the last few years of trying and losing…it’s filled and healed now. not that i’ve forgotten the losses or those 2 potential souls, but i finally feel peace.

and i have these warm little arms wrapped around my neck all day long in a perfect hug. sigh. could get used to this.

i was laughing at him earlier when he woke up looking all disoriented. when he’s fed, emptied and just squacking cuz he needs to sleep it off, i swaddle him and give him a pacifier and he usually falls asleep within moments. so he goes from full blown panic mode in, let’s say, the nursery, and then gets wrapped up and is out like a light only to wake up an hour later in the living room wrapped up with sleep in his eyes. and he wakes up like WHERE THE HELL AM I? DID YOU SLIP ME SOMETHING AGAIN? SERIOUSLY, WOMAN! WTF?? it is amusing to me.

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