The After


robb was recently published in an online magazine called “the good men project.” it’s really cool and i’m really proud. a close friend submitted a post he had written on this blog when we had our first positive ultrasound in the pregnancy that turned out to be henrymonkeybuttenstein. he reflects on the 2 losses and the fertility struggles we had prior to that and how he ached watching me ache. it’s beautifully written and you should really check it out.

re-reading his post and others around that time has gotten me remembering. i remember having a vision of a future with a healthy child. a tangible hope that i’d have full arms one day. but although there was a light in the future, i also remember how terrifying and uncertain, long and dark the days were in that present. i remember thinking that if there was a worthwhile after, i couldn’t get to it soon enough. each day and month dragged on so long in the before and during, i just wasn’t sure if i’d survive to see the after.

a vivid memory is a new year’s eve 2 years ago when i had been sure that i was pregnant that month….and then i started to bleed at the party where we had been, up to that point, celebrating the hope of a new year. the hostess, a good friend, tried to comfort me with a moment at the cribside of her sleeping baby, telling me it was so worth it to keep fighting and that she was SURE i would someday be cribside of my own little monster.

at that time, i didn’t know she was right. and it hurt so much. the possibility that it might not happen, the longing for it to come true.

so that was the before.

i am just thanking God all the time for the after. my henry is moving in on his 1st birthday. each day of these 10 months has been more precious than anything i’d imagined. his health, his spirit, his delightful personality, that smile that seems to come from his toes and must take a lot of work to hoist up those mighty cheeks…i just can’t express my gratitude to God for making him whole and ours and here.

if myself now could have had a conversation with myself then, on that awful new year’s eve, i would have told myself to keep fighting. i would have said exactly what my friend did, even if it hurt me. this brand of happy is like nothing i’ve ever experienced. my heart is so complete and full…i didn’t know then what i could handle or what i would be willing to go through to meet my kid. but now that i know him, and i stand by his crib watching him sleep, i’ll tell you it was all absolutely worth it.

and although he happened to arrive to us through pregnancy and delivery, there are other ways to add a little pile of blessings to your home. it doesn’t matter how they get here, the struggle, the process, whatever it takes to meet your kid will be so worthwhile.

so friends out there, who are hurting and contemplating how far you can manage in this fight to meet your own little bliss, i promise, the after is absolutely worth it.

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