For the Record, Cats Do Not Wear Boots

there is this certain genre of movies. marginalized and little talked about, because it only appeals to rougher, more disgusting members of society, those who we tend to look down on.

the films are usually kept in a separate section of the video store that only ‘certain people’ venture into. occasionally one of these films breaks out into the mainstream and even gets lauded by critics, but usually films in this genre are seen as pedantic and embarrassing and only good for servicing one purpose.

to be fair, some are actually decent, even having good plots and a little character development, but most have weak story lines and terrible dialogue, starring ‘actors’ who are willing to do anything for money. they are nothing but 90 minutes of gratuitous filler that, again, only appeals to certain smaller-minded individuals.

all that being said, it is a billion dollar industry and has birthed many franchises. most of the original films now have parts 1, 2, 3, 4 and onward- some having up to 10 sequels, each more tasteless and inconsequential than the last.

by the time you get to ‘the neverending story III’ -the story of a young boy defending the portal between Earth and the world of Fantasia from a group of bullies-…all the good has been sucked out.

i mean, even if the hero wins, there is just no happy ending for anyone watching that movie, you know what i mean?

i’m talking, of course, about children’s movies.

today i unwittingly picked up, in the children’s section at my local movie dealership, what i THOUGHT was the ‘shrek’ franchise sequel/prequel/melequel “puss in boots” starring antonio banderas and salma hayek. 

i was wrong. what i got was “the true story of puss ‘n boots.” starring (sigh) william shatner. and a bunch of random french people.

instead of a funny and sharp-witted hour and a half of fart jokes and big-eyed sexy-accented felines, i got this disaster. 

i was only half watching it as we had it on after dinner to entertain henry and our friends’ daughter so that we grown-people could talk to each other and ignore our children, but the little that i saw was poorly animated and terribly written. in fact, the first customer review on amazon goes:

“NOT PUSS N BOOTS FROM SHREK More like Puss N CRAP Factory. ” -Dave O

so there you go.

and…shatner. is there, literally, NOTHING that guy won’t do for money? he must have one hell of an addiction he’s feeding. it doesn’t seem like it’s drugs…he’s too motivated for heroin and too chubby for cocaine. maybe it’s something weird like pieces of the moon or thomas kinkade originals. 

here is where i conclude this post with a bit of witty repartee about being careful how you pick your puss, etc, etc.  if i weren’t such a classy broad, i might also be compelled to make a joke about how, though i’m looking forward to the upcoming “monsters, inc” prequel, i reserve concern that they ‘shot their load’ with the first movie and it just won’t rise to our expectations. and, lastly, if i weren’t such a lady, i might end with a comment about how, although the children movie industry is flawed, and some of its films are silly and trite, others are profoundly touching and have deeply penetrated our hearts and minds.


(you see how i did that there?)

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