oh, my swirly, whirly (not gumdrop) thoughts are making me nerts lately. i’m having all kinds of existential crises and most probably causing myself undue stress. and i’m sure some of it’s hormone-related. but also, i’ve had a crazy year of job changes and near moves across the country and all kinds of upheavals or threats of upheaval. and i’m just sort of unsettled feeling. and i’m not being remotely productive with it. i’m pie-in-the-sky dreaming (and worrying) instead of focusing and getting stuff done.
is what i’m doing on the planet mattering? do i add value? do i need to be be recognized and reach many with something that i do, or is impacting a few great enough? who am i now? am i where i should be? where did i set down my chocolate and did i already sit on it? 🙂
but, really….instead of thinking about where in the world we’re going to put a second child (so as not to bother the precarious sleep of the first child since we only have 2 functional bedrooms in our house), i’m thinking about things like, “maybe i should quit medicine and become a children’s book author!” and instead of studying for my impending re-licensing boards, i’m staring blankly at my keyboard, lost in prayer, wondering if i should help mobile medical teams serve prostitutes in our city. or instead of going through all henry’s old baby stuff and making some plans for the next batch of baby i’m planning to hatch, i’m crying over all the babies in the world who don’t get comfort for their tears and who so badly need a shot at love and new homes and thinking we should adopt 10 of them! (all the while freaking out about what life will be like with just one more on board).
as i said, my thoughts and emotions are all over the map. i’m working through it. thanks for bearing with me. i’m sure i’m not the only one who wonders some of these things.
but in happy, sane news- we have resumed health in our house. other than some runny noses and clogged up ears, we’re all back to normal. and we had an amazing weekend enjoying the sunshine and the renewed sense of wellness. we found the beach, we visited with family, we saw some baseball, robb competed in a triathlon and we got to cheer him on. it was really great.
things seem to be going well on the pregnancy front. i’m feeling occasional little squiggles and squirms down below and i’m growing some. i’m excited for my OB visit this week because it’s always good to be reassured that things are on track and after that i’ll be able to schedule my full anatomical ultrasound for sometime in the next few weeks.
pregnancy to me, for me, just remains kind of super ridiculous. i mean, the blessing and miracle of it don’t escape me for a second and the healthy growth inside me that ends up churning out something like a henry at the end just boggles my mind.
i don’t think i’ve ever felt that feminine loveliness. i just feel like an elderly baby with huge knockers. i was searching online for snarky maternity t-shirts and came upon a tab for ‘maternity lingerie’ and all i could think was, “ewww.”
i think this means that i’m failing at lady-hood. right? that’s what it means, right?
sigh. but at least i did find my chocolate. and it wasn’t too smushed. now if you’ll excuse me.