These People Have Given Me Social Anxiety

i cannot express enough how leaving my home has become something that i dread. 

it’s probably not necessary, but i guess i should clarify- leaving my home with children is what i angst over.

leaving the home, however briefly, without them, is all like: 

i keep feeling compelled to venture out because the walls are feeling tighter and tighter around us in the house and henry is getting weird and pale and antisocial and freaks out if anyone dare touch the remote control to change the channel away from disney junior…

(this is exactly what henry looks like in his dark moments. i mean no joke. even the comb-over. don’t know why he needs one, but there you have it).

every time i leave the safe nest of our home it’s a fool’s errand.

henry doesn’t listen well at all and anna can fuss to the point of hysterics at any given moment with next to no provocation. (babies. sheesh).  i struggle to not feel panicky when they both go off at the same time.

and henry really has been a handful.

i hope, over the course of this blog, i’ve conveyed how wonderful that kid is. i mean, he’s funny and smart and genuinely sweet and kind and good. i feel really good that he’s on the right track to becoming an amazingly great person that society will be glad to have.

but right now, he’s kind of a super mean jerk.

he screams, he hits, he throws himself about, he refuses to do everything i ask, he argues and ignores me and can’t compromise and can’t reason and….he’s 2. and he’s doing it really well.

it’s annoying at home and i find myself fantasizing regularly about moving into a house where he isn’t. but usually through time-outs and coercion and bribery and barely masked rage, we can work through whatever moment we’re having.

but in public it’s embarrassing and often ends up with me dragging him out of places screaming. for example, me being supermom and all, i bundled up both the crazies for toddler story time at the library monday at 10:15 a.m. when we arrived home at 11:07 a.m, we all were shell-shocked and dazed and hated books and places that held books and people who liked books.

he wouldn’t sit on the rug with other fall-in-line children. and then he took the book that the library lady was about to read (poor performance, by the way. i give her a B- at best) off the easel and had a cow when i took it back. and then he tried to leave and then when i was chasing him as he left, he had a cow to come back in. that’s a lot of cows. all of this while i push the stroller with the carrier with the anna in it just waiting for her to start tea-kettle screaming any second and demanding boob in public.

at one point, henry hit me in the face. which is SOOOO not ok, but made even worse with 50 moms watching me and (in my head) rating my parenting techniques and considering loaning me parenting books they just loved.

but we hate books now, so that’s clearly out.

when the reading mercifully ended, he did a quick art project related to the book (i briefly considered sniffing/eating the glue for a diversion but then saw that it was all non-toxic and lame) and then we bolted. negotiating getting him up the elevator and into a coat involved so much coaxing and bribing. i think at one point i offered him my first born, which left us all confused.

so that was 52 minutes of one day. most of the minutes of the other days are much the same.

there are so many reasons he’s acting out right now, and i’m really trying to cut him slack and be reasonable and positive and enjoy the time we have together that is happy (there’s lots of that, too, thankfully).

but when we concocted the plan to have him go stay with my parents and sister for a few days this weekend, i did a big happy dance (it looked very cool. things were jelly rolling and something might have been dropped like it was hot).

we could use a healthy break from each other so that our hearts grow fond from the absence. he’ll have fun and i’ll get some stuff done and have some anna and robb time and it will be good.

and maybe he’ll clear his head some. he’s not just grouchy. he’s also gotten weird.

like the home schooled children on ‘south park’ weird.

i’ve compared toddlers to adults on pcp before, but right now he’s like an adult on ecstasy. he licks everything and wants to pet and kiss us all all the time and all he wants to eat are lollipops. and he’s fascinated with his nipples currently, so they’re usually on display. like matthew mcconaughey.

there. that last bit about the nipples was pretty embarrassing and some day when he reads this and is mad at me for posting it- i’ll tell him that it was retaliation for being a little booger at gymnastics this week and making me hold him down while he got his shit together, showing my plumber’s crack to the whole gym while my purse flung open across the room, shedding contents everywhere, including maxi pads so big they could manage a lady elephant’s sanitary needs.

so there.

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