Plus, I’m Reading a Book About the Holocaust

i’m working on a post about bringing children up in this sad, hard world (for your reading pleasure. you’re all very welcome). about all the fears and worries that keep me up at night. about all the real things that go bump in the night. (recently most especially as they pertain to women and my fears for my tiny will-be woman). there’s much to be said. much to be feared. much to be extremely angry about.

but this is not that post.

i’m trying not to let myself sink too low. but, you know, there’s something like 10 wars going on right now (or conflicts or battle royales or whatever the hell congress calls them) where people are being brutalized. and there’s all this hurt echoing all over and…i’m trying to not let myself sink too low.

and then robin williams succumbs to his illnesses and this cool bright light that we apparently all learned to laugh by, goes dark. and so yes(!) the nation discusses the woeful stigma of the mentally ill and possible resources that can be better targeted toward diagnostics and treatments, etc, etc. this is good. it’s good. but such a sad pile of things to work through. at least maybe there’s a flower of change growing out of it? eh?

but this is not that post.

and i have this tug-of-war between the things i’m little ‘w’ worried about like job stuff and spending enough quality time with my kids and being able to afford home renovations and whatever the magazines tell me i’m doing wrong in the organization of my refrigerator or the shininess of my skin (that’s a thing, right? i am certain that’s a thing)….and then big ‘W’ Worried about things like people killing and hating each other around the world, people in my town without food or homes, people in 1,000 different kinds of pain every day, the big scaries out there that could attack my kids from inside or out anytime throughout their lives…the ways i’m not helping people out with their hurt and could be. and should be…

and how i can not just protect but prepare my kids to face the world…

regarding monsters, i’ve been telling henry that ‘for most things, if you’re nice to them and show them love, they’ll be nice back. most bad guys are bad because people were mean to them, so we’ll be kind and see how it goes.’

i am trying to trust that this is good advice that will make him bless the world with kindness and grace and won’t make him a sitting duck for pain. but the monsters are kind of everywhere, you know?

anyway. i struggle. i feel crushed. i feel small and scared. massacres and torture and suicides and so many scared and homeless and unwanted. they make me Worry and worry and Sad and sad.

and i just…this is not that post.

i just can’t connect all the dots right now because it’s too sad and hard, so i’ll do what i do and just turn toward the happy short joyous folks who live in my house and tell you about what they’re up to these days. because no matter what they’ll face in the future, these days, these are happy days. and i thank God for them.

anna is crawling! almost. she kind of drags herself like a wounded ape whose foot got stuck in an ape trap (that’s a thing, right? i am certain that’s a thing). she can move really fast. especially toward any LEGO’s small enough to choke on or any cabling/wiring that is sure to cause her sparkly problems. she’s in the phase of life where she will have way more mobility than sense. no balance but tons of brave. no caution but just a whole lotta going for it. time to put everything back up to 4′ off the ground and hope she bounces as much as henry did.

also she is happy. she is sweet. she’s tough as hell. and so strong. ‘henry what are you doing!?’  I’M RIDING ANNA…… this happens almost daily. and she’s just laughing and somehow still pulling her beast self along with him on top…inching toward the toaster and the bathtub or the piano hanging precariously above the door or whatever.

henry is also doing amazingly well. he makes up stories and songs. sings ‘puff the magic dragon’ at the drop of a hat to soothe his fussy sister. the louder she gets, the more gusto he applies to the song.

he wants to hear stories constantly and robb and i have totally tapped out our imaginations, so now we tell him the plots of movies we have memorized. he doesn’t know any better, so we’re good. right now it’s ‘the robot and alien’ movies… (‘star wars’).

he plays hard, sleeps hard, laugh hard. collects rocks from the playground. like 40/day in his front pocket. my washing machine has seen some stuff.

anyway.

now i’m babbling. but thinking about my wonderful happy folks has helped sooth my soul. that’s not, like, their job on the planet or anything, it’s just a really nice side effect.

more bummer posts soon, i promise. 🙂

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