1. kids think sunscreen is acid and you are trying to melt their face off with it. they hate you and everything you stand for when all you’re trying to do is prevent melanoma. (ok. really you’re more immediately concerned not about skin cancer but instead about all the tsk tsk noises you’re gonna hear from old lady strangers if your baby gets any flavor of brown. fine, old lady strangers, you’ve won! are you happy! i live and vacation in fear of your reproach!)
Five Reasons Why Kids Should Never Ever Be Allowed in Disney
(we’re having a ball in disney and universal but these are some loooong days for our minions!)
2. your kids don’t understand how epically great these parks are and they whine just like they would if they were home and tired, hungry, hot, and had to pee. but they’re NOT. they’re in the MOST MAGICALLY FREAKING AMAZING PLACE ON THE PLANET and tired, hungry, hot and have to pee. they should have some respect! arrgh!
3. also, you’re not at your super best when tired, hungry, hot and have to pee. you want to kick all the strangers. their kids are not cute. you are thinking violent things about their short shorts.
4. you don’t get to do any of the awesome stuff you want to do because you have to do the stupid lame stuff your lame kid wants to do. like sleep. even if you have brought a million adult reinforcements and even if your kids are, like, the best versions of lame kids, you still have to be a grown-up and bend to their needs and schedules, even when in your head your full on bottom-lip quivering, throwing yourself on the ground in hysterics over the injustice of it all. because harry potter is amazing and that little ingrate just doesn’t get it. AND YOU’RE USING THAT WAND WRONG!!
5. disney jail. this is really what’s keeping you scared straight and acting mostly appropriate toward your family and strangers alike. you’re certain that if they took you to the underground dungeon you’d never be seen again. they are very efficient here. clean. discrete.