Villain Von Mayhem: The Early Years

i can count on one hand the number of times i’ve been able to get anna to fall asleep in her lifetime. without using the boob, that is. she’s been weaned for, what, like, 6 months? that’s a lot of nights of sleep i’ve failed to help. i continually fail totally when i try, so pretty much robb just does it. other than when she accidentally falls asleep *near* me, while riding on the bike seat in front of me or in the stroller i’m pushing or something (and i completely take credit), i cannot deliberately make it happen. and it’s just me. robb, grandparents, baby sitters- they all manage to do it. i just cannot. can. not.

with me she plays, she riots, she asks for obscure and confusing things. i fall prey to all her tricks. because she is a tiny lawyer and is much smarter than me.

tonight robb dared to exercise at bedtime and so wasn’t available to magic her to sleep. God forbid. it took me 1 hour and 15 minutes. epic fail mom. i didn’t handle it well. i got really grumpy along the way. i start thinking maybe i just fail at parenting this one. i did alright with the other one, and 1 out of 2 ain’t bad, but this one….nope.

but then finally FINALLY she just couldn’t scam me anymore and she closed her eyes. after i’d wiped all the snots off her face and somehow unwoven her fingers from the roots of my hair and sat back to stare at her lovely angelic little sleeping face, i concluded that i won’t move out or anything. in a desperate pinch when no other adult is anywhere to be found, i’ll do. i guess that’s worth something.


i’ve talked a lot about what a tough, aggressive, passionate kid she is. she knows what she wants and she makes it happen. she is not afraid to cut a bitch to get her way. it’ll serve her well in life, but it’s a little bit exhausting right now. thankfully she hasn’t shivved anyone at daycare. yet.

we’re considering just embracing her early villain tendencies. like kids who show early aptitude for gymnastics get into tumbling class early, we might just get her started now. instead of constantly redirecting her to be nice and kind and cooperative, i’m thinking about just getting her a cape, teaching her how to throw dice, putting an ad out for some big, loyal, kind of dumb sidekicks and, of course, signing her up for science and computer camp ASAP. i might carve out of a corner of the basement for an evil lair. we’ll enroll her in the Villain Academy near here where she can Bic her head and take Maniacal Laughter 101 in kindergarten. they do the same things as regular kindergarten, just with a slightly sinister bent. they learn the alphabet, they just use cut-out letters from the newspaper to do it. they build with blocks- they then just blow up the city they built afterwards. stuff like that.

i think it could be great.

we should probably start saving up for her private island now. i wonder what the going rate is.

(a little note: this post is going to drive my mom crazy because for her, anna is a delicate lovely flower and she bristles when we talk about her being a bully. so this is a win-win. i get to vent in a jolly way about my willful child and also make my mom nuts. #mailedit)

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