Happy Valentine’s Day to The Guy I Live With Still and Probably AlwaysWill Because It Just Seems Like Too Much Paperwork to Get Out Of It

it’s valentine’s day. so i guess this weekend married people are having begrudging, obligatory sex, and single people are wondering why they haven’t found that special someone to begrudgingly have obligatory sex with.
i’m joking. kind of. i never have begrudging sex. i just make it very clear that i’ll be owed for my efforts.
long-term committed relationships are fucking hard. all the fuzzy pink messages on love around this holiday just seem lazy and hollow. i’m feeling cynical this year. like a grizzled old veteran confronted by eager young recruits.
after 13 years of marriage and all the pressures and stressors and changes in life, i can think of more appropriate love notes i’d like to send my husband than the generic ones i’ve seen full of empty promises and droll poetry. robb and i wrote these together. not, like, in the same room or anything. through texting. but still. united as one. also it was mostly me. because i do most of the work:
1. you’ve seen all my real weird stuff and you still show up. nice.
2. remember that one time i shaved my legs and put on that fancy outfit to impress you? haha. me, neither.
3. we’ve seen all the same movies, so we can talk in quotes and not bother with original thoughts. thank God.
4. you’re a great dad. and i don’t say that lightly. because i’m for sure watching for anything you’re doing wrong and will point it out. not sure if you noticed.
5. you’re my human. don’t blow it.
6. because i love you, when we fight, i will not only criticize WHAT you’re saying, but HOW you’re saying it to me. i’m just always trying to make you a better person and you’re welcome.
7.  this valentine’s day you let me sleep in until 8:30am. that’s so much better than diamonds. plus, you know, no one died in a cave or whatever.
8. just because i fall asleep during date night or intercourse doesn’t mean i
9. sorry. what was that? what were we doing?
10. i’d take a bullet for you. i mean, like, if someone was handing one to you and you didn’t want to carry it, i’d put it in my purse.
11. i appreciate all the bread winning that you’ve done for our family. but perhaps you can find a donut contest next time?
12. (robb’s, to me) my favorite thing about you is that even though you’re funnier than me, you only tell me about it all of the time.
13. if you were ever arrested, i would probably bail you out, but only if you agreed to let me lecture you a lot.
14. i love how we fit together. not as much on the couch as we used to, but still generally, in the same town?
15. i love that you’re willing to laugh with me through the scary, sacred, and awkward moments of life.
i love you. for realsies.


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