Great Kid. Terrible Roommate.

so, i’m taking this sketch comedy writing class and we pitch ideas for sketches all the time, right? and it’s best to write about things you know, because you can be more specific (funny), so we try to write about experiences we live. but because i’m something like 80 years older than all the other people in my class and am one of the only marrieds and def the only ones with offspring i acknowledge, i try to be careful not to make all my sketch ideas about life with kids.

but it’s so hard. because parenting is fucking ridiculous. right? there is so much good stuff to share. (jim gaffigan does it…..)
a while back i had this idea for someone complaining about their roommate, and the big reveal/punch line is that it’s actually their new baby.
but, really.
my roommates don’t:
-respect my privacy or boundaries
-ever share the TV
-ever help with cleaning or cooking or grocery shopping
-ever replace the TP when it’s gone. or know how to drive to buy more.
-know how to be patient or disciplined. when they first moved in and demanded milk, it got real weird.
-tell time and they are perpetually late for everything with zero remorse
-ever offer to pay rent or utilities. they don’t know what rent is. they have $9 in nickels they stole out of the bottom of my car. 
-care to bathe and have to be coerced into hygiene several times per week for the household good. 
my roommates do:
-interrupt me all the time, especially when i’m on the phone. especially if it’s about work.
-put things they’re eating either jelly-side down on the couch or into my mouth while i’m talking.
-use my name like it’s a tic
-fart on my pillow
-cock block. all. of. the. time.
-act like i’m the Beatles when i come home (this one is pretty great)
-play role-playing games all the time where they are animals and monsters and we’re living on a moon train or whatever. (my roommates swear the only drug they take is benadryl but no one believes them).
-have a song for everything, and are able to fashion instruments out of everyday household items. like remote controls and television monitors. it’s so fun.
-laugh almost all the time, which is SO great. but does it have to be so naked all the time. does it.
does it.

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