Yelp Review for Cool New Restaurant, By Child

1 out of 5 stars because it wouldn’t let me choose none stars. 

We ate at this new restaurant, called something like JusteatitIsweartoGodYou’llLikeIt. My mom was freaking out about this place for one million years. She kept calling it the “hottest new restaurant in town,” which I didn’t understand because it was neither spicy hot nor hot hot temperature hot. She called it ironic when she finally got in but didn’t have a babysitter for me, but I don’t think she knows the real meaning of that word since she was raised in the 90s.

We still had to wait. But there are no couches or chairs, so you have to just stand around at the bar. People were kind of rude. They kept glaring at me like I shouldn’t have been there. So did my mom. My guess is it’s because I didn’t have enough fancy hair on my face. There seemed to be a hair dress code.

When we fiiiiiinally got to sit down and went over the menu, all of their non-mommy drinks were cold-press coffee and Kombucha, so basically they wanted me to get high or drunk on deadly vinegar poison. Then, the curtain near our table was this really soft, billowy muslin material and obviously I had to touch it. Had to touch it. Had to touch it. The food on the menu all sounded like poop and poop sandwiches and they actually did not have french fries on the menu and my failure of a mom also did not have any in her purse.

You would cry, too.

What they did have, though, was plenty of pork belly and candied pistachio goat cheese honey things. I couldn’t picture it. HOW DOES THE PIG LIVE WITHOUT ITS BELLY? How does it? No one would answer me. I kept trying. I asked every person within and without ear shot, but they were not hearing me over the music.

The music.

What.

My mom was drinking something with mulberry jam and jalapeños in it, and I know she didn’t like it because I know her “doesn’t like it” face, but she drank every bit of it because it cost $14 and stop asking her about it right now. I tried to take her mind off it and told her I CAN COUNT TO 1000. So that pretty much took us through dinner.

Which was a disaster.

They put truffle oil on everything. Truffle oil tastes like what the dirt under rocks tastes like…I’ve heard.  And it was on EVERYTHING. Like, I imagine that’s what they put in the soap machines in the bathroom there. I wouldn’t know because I don’t like to wash my hands when I go to the bathroom, unless I go #2. I didn’t do that there, so that was OK.

I did like the dessert. They had different flavored cotton candy and deep fried candy bars. It’s 4 days later and I still haven’t slept.

And still no one has answered my pig question.

 

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