What For Pokemon Is We Now?

So, they are these little dragon demon things that get injured a lot, and some of them can’t breathe right and get migraines frequently? Maybe UTI’s, too? And there are human keepers who have to, like, take them to the vet all the time? And each dragon demon thing has a certain number of assigned points, see, and they battle each other, and whichever one has more points is preordained to win over the one with fewer points (it might be a metaphor on society) and then, I guess, the one with the more points gets to keep the points of the one it beat, too? Real kick in the dragon demon pants, if you ask me. Then after they battle the human keepers talk in really high-pitched, breathy voices for a while, and it starts all over again.

If you can’t keep up when you’re attempting to play, don’t worry, whichever child is closest will tell you you’re wrong.

It’s impossible to predict which dragon demon things are more powerful based on how they look.  Some have 4 arms and some are just a wad of chewed bubble gum. You’d think the 4-armed one would be a more powerful adversary, but you’d be wrong. You just have to wait for your kid to laugh at the one you chose and say, THIS SHOULD BE REALLY EASY every time you go into battle with him and the, apparently, way more powerful one that he chose.

They have ridiculous names like Sneezy and Emphysema and Blartbat and Kermudgeonator, but if you laugh or accuse your kid of making them up, you’re wrong.

What else? Let’s see. There are trading cards and posters and movies and TV shows and any merchandise you can think of.

Oh, they travel in balls, or something? They make a lot of noise and they are very brightly colored.

Nothing makes sense anymore and you just want to wear a big sweater and sit in a comfortable chair and feel safe again.

But you can’t.

And you’re wrong.

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