The Children Are Trying to Break Us, Volume 502

The kids are trying to break us. I’m not kidding this time. Send help.  They are attempting to shatter us into a million tiny parent pieces.

The shortest one just keeps saying, ‘NO, NO, NO’ and telling us the proper way to do things. It’s not all that CUTE, CUTE, CUTE. She’s also wily and violent, and unintentionally hysterically funny. Tonight, when she was sneaking out of her bedroom for the 15th time when she was supposed to be falling asleep, we could hear her moving very un-stealth like toward us through the house. I announced, “Anna sure is doing a great job going to bed by herself. I think I’ll go check on her.” Heavy footsteps flew back to her bedroom, doors slammed and pictures fell off walls along her route. There was more raucous than we thought our house capable of, but 30 seconds later when I went to check on her, she was all tucked in smiling up from her pillow. Like, ‘OH, HELLO, MOTHER. YOU’RE HERE. I ALMOST FORGOT YOU EXISTED, I WAS SO CLOSE TO DREAMLAND.’

I’m being so much nicer to her than I want to be. I’m thinking such rage-y thoughts, but, through gritted teeth, reminding her about making good choices. I’m kind of telling us both. Biology is really smart, so just when I’m about to vote her off the island for good, she does something endearing and I’m back rooting for her survival.

Ridiculous. She’s like 3′ tall. She should not wield so much power. It’s incredible. She should write a book and do speaking tours. ‘HOW TO CONTROL YOUR ENVIRONMENT, BY FLUSHING ONE STUFFED ANIMAL DOWN THE TOILET AT A TIME.’ (Truth. That happened during the bedtime marathon. Seriously. Not joking. Send help).

The big kid is less of a handful right now, but speaks only in Pokemon terms, so it’s like having an exchange student in the house. He’s very sweet, but we think he misses his family in fictional Japan village. He says he’s evolving from one generation to the next and his powers will soon be heightened. Guess we’ll be equally dumbfounded then, too.

By the way, was trying to make a better joke about Pokemon for you nice people and did some “research” on Wikipedia, where I found this gem.

“In 2012, PETA publicly criticized the concept of Pokémon as supporting cruelty to animals. PETA compared the game’s concept, of capturing animals and forcing them to fight, to cockfights, dog fighting rings and circuses, all events frequently criticized for cruelty to animals. PETA released a game spoofing Pokémon where the Pokémon battle their trainers to win their freedom.[79] PETA reaffirmed their objections in 2016 with the release of Pokémon Go, promoting the hashtag #GottaFreeThemAll.[80]”

Ok, calm down, PETA.

Oh, wait. Don’t. Maybe we could use this to talk Henry out of his obsession. Carry on, Pammy Anderson and you other granolas.

Aaaaaanyway, we’ll survive all of this. We survived when the first one was this age, and so odds are in our favor. Right? Please?

It’s really all up to Anna whether we deserve to be spared. She’ll keep us posted.

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