Stop Making Up New Things. Things Are Over.

I’ve decided that the last trendy thing I’m paying attention to was this song and video.

That’s it. I hope you liked it, because that’s as cool as I’m ever going to try to be ever again. I’m done. No more. Just stay the same. Not same is weird and I feel left out and behind. And grouchy, hungry, and cold. The other day I was trying to remember an Austin Powers quote for a life or death situation and I quick googled the first few words of the quote, assuming that, of course, it would come right up, BUT IT DID NOT. There were dozens of other dumb, new things in front of it. It’s ONLY 20 YEARS OLD!!


I now get it why old people seem so stuck in their ways- at some critical junction, they, too, decided they’d had enough trying to understand whether something was ‘a thing’ and just rested on the music and clothes and food and views that made sense to them prior to that day.


No new things. “Ooh, is this a-” No, it is not. We’re done with things.


Lavender lattes just snuck in under the wire. Rompers for adult women did not. Thigh tattoos are on the fence.


Now I guess I just sit back and wait for styles that I recognize to come back. Like, for example, hipster baristas now dress like Helen Hunt from “Mad About You.” Good. I’m great with that. Carry on. But you there with the raised baseball hat and unfolded brim standing way up high, atop your weirdly styled, bearded head? Go home. If you have one. I don’t know. All the beards make it hard to tell who is a miscreant living in his parents’ basement and who is stylish.


The barista blew me off when I said my drink looked pretty. “That’s not EVEN latte art.”


Oh, OK. I’ll never know. I refuse to subscribe to that zine.


(That’s ‘magazine,’ for short, and it’s the last of the things you’re allowed to abbreviate. Knock that shit off. It’s cra annoyingballs.)


It was a decaf soy lavender latte.  Sigh.

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