Lifestyle and Parenting Magazine Version of Kid Ran into Street, Got Smacked by Mom

I want to start a lifestyle and parenting magazine that makes fun of other lifetime and parenting magazines.
 
An essay about that terrifying experience every parent faces, of having a kid run out into the street, from our “We’re Just Like You. Except Way, Way Better” section:
 
‘One day my child ran toward the boulevard on which we live. I was so afraid, I nearly dropped by jade vaginal egg. I earthed as fast as I could and when I reached her, I gently, but firmly, mothered the sacred snot out of her.
 
I assumed she was in this dangerous peril because she’d been practicing her important free-range developing person skills in a supervised, unstructured environment. When I learned that she was unsupervised because my life partner had been talking to Alexa about which v-neck sweater to buy,  I momentarily misplaced by zen and threatened him with unconscious uncoupling. Boy. What a difficult thing it is to be a parent when the nanny gets the third Tuesday of every month off! I certainly have earned my kombucha martini tonight! Cheers!’

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