10 Things to Do With Your Kids When You’re Stuck Inside for the Umpteenth Day In a Row Because This Stupid Winter Won’t Die, and You Simply Can’t Anymore

You’ve done it all. Built every LEGO landscape, PLAY-DOH’d till your hands ached, and watched your entire movie collection 9 times. Now you’re desperate. This is DEF CON 1 parenting.

Some ideas for survival:

  • Just let them eat the Play-Doh. What does it matter? They really want to, and since you can’t show them sunshine, you may as well give them something that brings them joy. You might want to eat some, too. If you fill up, it will postpone you having to get your car out to a grocery store.

  • Re-enact old movies! Like that cute penguin dancing scene from ‘Mary Poppins,’ or the last few scenes of ‘The Shining.’  (Heeeeere’s MOMMY!

  • Pretend your house is a day spa. Help your kids take long baths, put cucumbers on their eyes, paint their nails! Then get creative with the supplies you have on hand to unclog the cucumber seeds from the drain and get the nail polish out of the carpet. Baking soda and tears work great!

  •  Do something educational! Read to them about the moon, while they complain about you reading to them about the moon! Did they know that a few weeks ago, there was a Super Blue Blood Moon! How cool is that?! It’s not, and they will tell you that.

  • Trade Pokemon cards for 19 hours straight! Don’t worry, the game makes no sense, and there seem to be no actual rules. It’s so fun, it will make you wish Mewtwo would just go ahead and create that army of clones to exterminate the humans like he keeps threatening. Wee!

  • Remember the movie, “The Room,” where the brilliant Brie Larson played the poor lady who had to raise a child stuck all by themselves in a single room, trapped for eternity until they devised a plan to escape? Oh, wait. That was “Room.” Right. Remember, “The Room,” where Tommy Wiseau made such a grotesquely ridiculous, terrible movie, that we all kind of wanted to escape, but couldn’t seem to bring ourselves to turn it off, and then it became a cult classic that was then spun into a satirical spoof sort of inspirational documentary with James Franco, who was like, cool, and then wasn’t? Man. Brie Larson was so good in “Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.” What day is it?

  • Make Valentines cards! Oh, wait. Is that over? Are we still in February? What’s the next holiday? Make Presidents’ Day Ca- nah. Never mind. Shouldn’t swear in glitter.

  • Pretend your kids’ beds are space ships, and the floor is hot lava! They have to stay in their own space ship for, like, seriously, can you just give me 15 minutes of peace alone? No, moms don’t get burned when they walk across lava. Why? Because our feet are…lava proof. Because…yes, because of wine. Good. Space ship. Stay.

  • Go outside and play! YES! Do that! It’s a good 4 minute diversion for them before someone’s ankles or wrists have been exposed to the elements and they’re inside demanding hot cocoa and a Band Aid.

  • Make yourself a Disney princess and pretend you’ve eaten a poison apple/touched a spindle and have to sleep on the couch until your true love prince arrives. No, not daddy. We’ll let you know when we see him. For now, kids, have some Band Aids to treat your lava wounds, and go get yourself a nice Play-Doh snack.

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