Oh, my poor kids get all my baggage. All my human-ness, just spilling out on them over my thin veil of parentatude. I sobbed when putting the 4 y/o to bed tonight, because she’s kind of a dick, and she hit me when she wasn’t getting her way. I had tears that needed to come. I’m sunk low over 17 kids murdered in a Florida school yesterday. Another angry white male just murdered a whole buncha people again. Again. Again. Everyone is arguing about him as a person, the school as an institution, the government, the guns, the…personality of this country. What we are, what we say we are. How totally fractured we are as a “community.” There’s not even consensus on what the problems are, so there’s definitely none on solutions.
So, kid, I couldn’t really deal with your display of anger with mean hands. The only way I justified bringing kids into this messy pile, was to assume you’d be the ones helping to clean it up and set things right. You can’t be part of the problem. I get that you’re only 4, and you people are notoriously rude, but throw me a bone here.
I talked about the killing with the 6 y/o. He has a right to know why his school is running drills and everyone is sad, distracted, worried. I wish I could give him reassurances that this was a freak thing that we definitely have an explanation and a solution for. I can’t. I almost didn’t make him do his homework last night, because WTF, man. YOLO, briefly. Yeah, eat all your Valentine’s candy in one sitting. Seems crazy not to. Etc.
How do I not look at their beautiful faces and fill with fear? I’ve largely learned to stifle the daily constant worries, because if you let them up from your stomach and into your throat, you stay choked and mute…but, man, it takes a lot of will to not want to keep them all locked in your panic room.
Are boys broken? Are we doomed to forever hurt each other? Will we all just be at the mercy of angry, violent boys and men forever? Is there any way out of this?
I want to say that in our own little hut here, we’re working on compassion, empathy, honor, honestly, equality. I want to say we’re contributing that to the world. What the world will give us back, who knows. I can’t make any promises.
I’ll just keep packing and unpacking, and sharing with them what I learn.