Edited: This used to be called “The Lies….to Join Our Cult,” but in light of recent (more) news of actual cults where women are luring other women in to be sex slaves and other horrifying things, we here at Big Trouble feel it important to note that this is not that. NOT that kind of cult. Cult is the wrong word, in fact. Really, it should say “club,” so “club” it now says. Thank you.
I’ve been lying to women constantly, and for a really long time. I’m not alone. It’s what we’re socially obligated to do. Our girlfriends, aunts, moms and grandmas lied to us, too. It’s like passing on the bullshit baton.
First, it was about what it’s like to go through puberty: “Shaving my legs is the best! I definitely don’t bleed every time. Oh, and bleeding from my vagina isn’t terrifying at all! I like it! It makes me a woman! (No, seriously, is this what makes you a woman? This is terrible. Do you KNOW where a tampon goes?! But at least it’s just the once….a month!??!? For 40 years!? That can’t be right!) Well, at least high heels are awesome. (Sob.)”
Next, it was about starting to date and learning to make out. “Oh, my gosh, he’s so cute and I like him so much (I think? How does one know? He seems…fine.) Kissing is (wet) awesome. It’s like in the movies. (The movie “It,” maybe). It’s really hot (somehow tickles AND hurts?) when he feels me up. And I definitely know what to do with his erection. Obviously. We all know. (But just so we’re on the same page, is there, like a pamphlet or something…?)”
Getting married: “This will be the best day of your life. (You won’t believe how many traditions you’ll be fucking up. It’s OK. Everyone will tell you.) It’s all about you! (No, it’s all about lining up the caterer, the wait staff, the cake maker, the pastor, all the drunk groomsmen, the flower lady, and the friggin table cloth guy, or all is lost). You’ll just KNOW when you find THE one. (…..).”
Having babies: “Ohmygoshyouhaveto! It’s a lot of work, but it’s so worth it. (The amount of work it is cannot be measured in words. It has to be felt in just an open-mouthed AHHHWWWHHHHHHHHH from the soul.) Pregnancy is AMAHzing. I never felt so much like a woman! (No one believes this, right? 1. Hemorrhoids, 2. Constipation (see 1), 3. Boob elasticity, 4. Cankles, 5-7. Skin tags, acne, hemangiomas, 8. Trying to keep everyone alive, 9. Fear/anxiety, 10. Never not peeing, 11. Takes FOREVER). Birth is fine. Your body knows what to do. (It knows to FREAK OUT because a good sized something is trying to tear its way out of a place that previously only had much smaller things go in). Once you hold that baby in your arms (you will be like, “SHIT! WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW??”) everything will come together. You and your spouse will never love each other more than when you have this perfect little person to share. (…..).”
But, seriously. It’ll be fine. You’ll LOVE it! Women have been doing this since the beginning of time.
How hard can it be? 😉 😉 😉 😉