Lost, Day #8, The “Me Project”

I almost made my husband call my cell phone from China today, so that I could find it.

He’s gone for the week on business. My kids were home today, because their school was closed for voting, and they asked me to help service not one, but three different tablets, for the purpose of 3 different games. They also really want me to set the clocks to the new daylight savings time so they know which way is up. I don’t really feel capable to do any of that. Seems small, but it’s a mountain of fear in my head.

I slept in hours past when I wanted to this morning, so I didn’t get any early morning writing/meditating/other work done and I felt gross and groggy all day. I let the beggygremlins eat two bags of chips for snacks because I didn’t want to go all the way to where the oranges are and peel them. During the day, I took them to the library and the zoo, which was good, but also out to lunch and to an arcade, which was bad. It was a beautiful day, and we were inside spending way too much money.

The business is in that phase of the year where there aren’t enough orders, not quite enough to do, and money is a constant worry, as is keeping our staff busy enough to keep our staff.

I feel so uncertain. In parenting, in wrestling with technology, in business. Just sort of lost. Having Robb NOT in China will certainly help with some of this, but part of my aim in this “Me Project” is to get more comfortable being uncomfortable.

I had some time with a very wise and wonderful woman this weekend, who said that in high school, her softball team’s theme for one season was “become comfortable being uncomfortable,” and how it impacted her willingness to take risks and negotiate her way through new situations. I mean- first of all, GOOD ON THAT COACH! That is some higher level self-awareness life skills being taught there. I want to have learned that in high school. It’s not too late, though. I’ll learn it now. I would like to be better at not getting sweaty and angry when technology doesn’t work. I’d like to be better at not getting a dry throat and big, panicked eyes when both my kids are asking me to make decisions about what they can do and have, and I feel totally ill equipped. I want to be less jealous of those who seem to know what they’re doing as business owners, and less fear-stricken when I think of anything to do with the business. I want to be willing to take a beat, to admit I don’t know or don’t care, but also I want to have the patience and fortitude to figure it out myself . I don’t want to feel angry when I feel insecure, I want to feel curious. I fear that I’ve lost the ability to actually learn anything new- to do the research required to make an informed decision. I’m looking for quick, easy, bullet-item fixes, and can’t bother with anything more complex. I want to actually finish one thought at a time, one exploration, before dancing off to the next pseudo task.

But…..fuck…..staying curious instead of slacking/fearing new information? Hard. Here’s where I think adults get to a point where there’s just too much left to know, so we dig in our heels in our brains and just say, “OK, enough! I know what I know, don’t add more ideas or uncertainties, just let me be comfortable in the things I have.”

That sounds cozy, but unwise. Not what we’re aiming for. So….I’m googling how to find my phone from my computer (something Robb does easily and constantly, but I’ve never tried…..on that note, he also tells me I should “backup files” or some such, and my mom got me a gadget with a cord that plugs into the thing, for just that purpose….I swear I’ll try).

Ugh. This whole being a person thing is a LOT.

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